I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
