Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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