Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
