so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
