Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
