he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
