The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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