I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
