So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
