Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
