Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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