you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
