Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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