I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
