Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
