If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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