My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
