I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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