let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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