just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
