whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
