I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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