So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
