we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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