does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
