i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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