This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
