I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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