God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
