Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
