you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
