im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
