I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
