You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
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Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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