Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
