Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
