Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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