Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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