Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
