Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
worst night to have a conscience
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
