I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
