Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
