My friends, they love my intelligence
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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