I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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