I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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