I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
