when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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