i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
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