Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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