i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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