I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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